"it"

Hey, Daddy.

On my mission, Elder Wille told me that my future husband and I would have "it".

When I asked for an explanation, he told me about how he thinks certain couples just have that thing -- a deepness to their love that is indescribable. They look at each other and you can just see it, hiding just out of sight unless you're looking for it. It's not quite unity, but close; it's more specific a thing than just to call it a connection; it is a closeness. 

As though, when You were organizing the intelligences, you made up two people in such a similar fashion, almost mirrors of each other. But it doesn't have anything to do with physical appearance, or hobbies, or interests, or even values (although those things can certainly overlap). It is just as though your souls are familiar with each other.

He said I am the type of person who needs this. And my goodness, now that I've lived enough, I get it. And I agree.

And I thought I had it there, Dad. I really did. I looked into Andrew's eyes and I thought that I could never imagine loving anyone that much. 

But You and I know now that as important as it is to be moving forward, I am perfectly capable of doing so without anyone to help me (except You, of course). Andrew's goal was always to change me into something better -- and our definition of better wasn't always the same. 

You taught me that I needn't look for someone who feels the need to change me, or to tell me how I should change. No, I need to become used to someone who celebrates my goodness, reverences my sacrifices and my deeply entrenched desire to love everyone on earth, encourages my self-discovery and resultant repentance, and adores every inch of my imperfect body, whether my skin is dry or oily, my lips are chapped or cracked or painted, or whether my hair is pink or blue or any other color. I don't need someone to change me -- I am good at change on my own. No, You showed me I need someone who loves me. Who really, truly loves me. And who appreciates me as I am as well as can be.

And of course, in that kind of a love, I will find "it" -- that merger of souls. That familiarity. The kinship that can transcend space and time. Eternal love. Like Mr. Rochester and Jane Eyre, twin spirits that would rather die than be parted, and even in death refused to be divided.

And I get that that kind of love maybe takes more time to find. So it's okay if there's a few more years left before I find someone who I would willingly die for, who I love more than my own life. It's okay.

But I'm writing to let you know that that's what I want, and that's what I'm looking for, and if you're ready to send him to me, I'm ready to find Him. 

I love you, Daddy. I miss you every day.

Love, Em.