the first of many

there has always been too much "him", and not enough me, here in these words.

"him" has been various identities over the years,

each bringing with him something deep and irreplaceable

and each has decided to leave.

"he" has occupied the majority of my thoughts

he has disrupted the pattern of my dreams

one of my biggest fears has always been

a life completely devoid of "him".

now, Him, on the other hand.

The Boss. The Big Man Upstairs.

He & I have a much more complicated relationship than I'd like.

it's not that I doubt Him,

or that I've ever not believed in Him,

it's that I struggle to believe Him.

I don't know how to trust Him.

and so, each day is a back-and-forth.

I'm bargaining with Him: 

"Please just give me ________ and I'll do _________"

and man is this game we play wearing me out.

so I'm done playing it.

here are the pages I write,

no longer to "him", but to Him,

who despite various and extremely good reasons to leave

is relentless in His pursuit of me, body & soul.

here is where I try to become better than a bargainer

here is where I try to become His friend.

willing to do whatever He asks, because it's Him asking.

never breaking a promise to Him, and never expecting

or demanding

any particular blessing.

it is my hope, now,

that I can look back on these pages and not be reminded of loves that I've lost,

but of truer loves that never faileth, 

His, of course, 

and eventually mine.

for Him,

and someday for a "him" that will matter more than the others,

and the children I will bear,

and for this big wide world we live in,

and everyone in it.