all i know

Hey, Big Guy. I saw an Instagram post this morning that I wasn't prepared for. My friend Faith, whom I do love, at a house that was only too familiar to me. It used to be a safer place than my own home, before I became a worry rather than a dear loved friend.  And there he was, allowing people into a space I was never allowed in.  It hurt, Father. And I have nowhere else to go, to scream this pain out of my heart.  I don't know why this is happening now. I was fine when it happened, but it seems the longer I go between now and then, the worse the pain gets. Will you please help me? -Emily

there has always been too much "him", and not enough me, here in these words. "him" has been various identities over the years, each bringing with him something deep and irreplaceable and each has decided to leave. "he" has occupied the majority of my thoughts he has disrupted the pattern of my dreams one of my biggest fears has always been a life completely devoid of "him". now, Him, on the other hand. The Boss. The Big Man Upstairs. He & I have a much more complicated relationship than I'd like. it's not that I doubt Him, or that I've ever not believed in Him, it's that I struggle to believe Him. I don't know how to trust Him. and so, each day is a back-and-forth. I'm bargaining with Him:  "Please just give me ________ and I'll do _________" and man is this game we play wearing me out. so I'm done playing it. here are the pages I write, no longer to "him", but to Him, who despite various a...