Posts

"it"

Hey, Daddy. On my mission, Elder Wille told me that my future husband and I would have "it". When I asked for an explanation, he told me about how he thinks certain couples just have that thing -- a deepness to their love that is indescribable. They look at each other and you can just see it, hiding just out of sight unless you're looking for it. It's not quite unity, but close; it's more specific a thing than just to call it a connection; it is a closeness .  As though, when You were organizing the intelligences, you made up two people in such a similar fashion, almost mirrors of each other. But it doesn't have anything to do with physical appearance, or hobbies, or interests, or even values (although those things can certainly overlap). It is just as though your souls are familiar with each other. He said I am the type of person who needs this. And my goodness, now that I've lived enough, I get it. And I agree. And I thought I had it there, Dad. I really...

black lives matter

I have to say it, God. This is messed up.  And when my kids ask me how I responded When the world shouted for change,  When my kids, who may not be white,  Ask me what my heart was like, I do not want to tell them that I shouted. I want to tell them that I quietly went to work.  Reading books.  Listening.  Staying quiet. Pausing. Being still.  And God, When my time comes and You look me in the eye,  And you ask me,  What did you do for them?  I want to be able to tell you,  "The best that I could."

a letter

Hey, Big Guy. I saw an Instagram post this morning that I wasn't prepared for. My friend Faith, whom I do love, at a house that was only too familiar to me. It used to be a safer place than my own home, before I became a worry rather than a dear loved friend.  And there he was, allowing people into a space I was never allowed in.  It hurt, Father. And I have nowhere else to go, to scream this pain out of my heart.  I don't know why this is happening now. I was fine when it happened, but it seems the longer I go between now and then, the worse the pain gets. Will you please help me? -Emily

the first of many

there has always been too much "him", and not enough me, here in these words. "him" has been various identities over the years, each bringing with him something deep and irreplaceable and each has decided to leave. "he" has occupied the majority of my thoughts he has disrupted the pattern of my dreams one of my biggest fears has always been a life completely devoid of "him". now, Him, on the other hand. The Boss. The Big Man Upstairs. He & I have a much more complicated relationship than I'd like. it's not that I doubt Him, or that I've ever not believed in Him, it's that I struggle to believe Him. I don't know how to trust Him. and so, each day is a back-and-forth. I'm bargaining with Him:  "Please just give me ________ and I'll do _________" and man is this game we play wearing me out. so I'm done playing it. here are the pages I write, no longer to "him", but to Him, who despite various a...